Back in the saddle

I've graduated to 2x a day 30 min treadmill 3.5 mph. It's something. If I were trying to manage this injury myself I'd be even more of a basket case. Good to be surrounded by calm, confident, and reassuring people.

Pressure cooker

That pretty much describes me lately - a pressure cooker. This is my most significant running injury to date and I'm not handling it very well. Yesterday was awful as I was clearly suffering a setback; my leg was tender and sore and walking normally was an effort. Was it from the PT and massage? From the modified leg workout? From the spin class? It drives me crazy to think I may have contributed to the setback. At the same time, I am trying to balance recovery with the maintenance of some degree of fitness and cardio readiness within the guidelines I have been given.

With the 4.16 anniversary yesterday I felt raw, sad, and frustrated. The 3.2 mile run for 32 was a huge success, but I was unable to participate. My chiropractor was not happy with my progress and described the area as "still hot." Appropriate, considering how acutely sore some areas are. Deep down I know that is not a good thing and with two weeks to go, my optimism is waning at the moment.

My frustration hinges on my fear of not being able to run the Pittsburgh Marathon May 3. Of course, what's worse? Missing the marathon or starting it, then dropping out or posting a really sorry time? I guess this is the first time I've thought about it this way. Would I run if I didn't have a chance of running the race I know I can run? If I knew I could run it, but in a 4:30 time (rather than the sub-4:00 time I want), would I want to?

I've done so much training and the thought of falling short of the experience I have been dreaming of is very disappointing. I know I can pick another race, but that means I have to rehab and retrain and do it all over again. And it won't be Pittsburgh. I know I am acting like a self-centered, narrow-minded child about this but I can't describe the degree of compulsion involved. And I'm certainly far from the only person this has happened to and admittedly the stakes are pretty low for me. I can't imagine the feeling of missing a championship, the Olympics, etc., but it happens.

This is such a marginal injury - just bad enough to provide a significant interruption, but not so bad that the go/no-go decision is clear to make.

I am thankful that I have help from so many people on this, but the downside is that I get some conflicting information. Frustration results when I am left with doubts that my recovery plan is optimal (that's the Industrial Engineer in me).

I have had many tearful discussions with JRP who has had to talk me down on a regular basis reminding me to take it one day at a time, focus on other goals, and just keep moving forward. He has enormous patience - more than I have for me.

I have PT in less than an hour...and a horrible feeling of forboding. More later.

Sitting tight

No news...still just managing my situation physically and mentally to the best of my ability. Hopefully I have been staying under the threshold of overdoing. The small silver lining to it all is this has forced me to branch out somewhat and I tried a spinning class this morning at 5:45. I kind of liked it, particularly the fact that it's in a darkened room, allowing for an easier morning transition!

This morning was the 3.2 mile Walk/Run for Remembrance. I was signed up to do it, but here I sit. It's been a tough day. This happened last year where I thought the whole 4/16 thing wouldn't get to me, but it hit me this morning as I thought back to that day two years ago when 32+1 lost their lives. Such senseless misery.

WOW....this is amazing.

I was looking through some songs I had bookmarked months ago on Pandora.com and clicked on one to find this sole verse of lyrics (All The Above by Mercyme) staring me in the face:

Stuck in a day like a runner with no race
Are you afraid your joy has been misplaced
It's been a while since I've seen you smile, how easy you forget
So roll back the time and there you will find what never left

I liked the song and hadn't actually paid attention to the lyrics before. I found this to be a powerful message that I believe I was meant to see. Enough with the struggle - I'm turning it all over to God.

Cardio Plan B

Last night was the big ES camping trip and despite a rainy start, it turned out to be a terrific success. However, little sleep was had. Everytime the rain started up in earnest, I woke up and enjoyed listening to it, being enveloped by it, but protected from it. It was very peaceful!

I returned home dirty and tired to discover we had no power! So I decided that was an omen telling me to get to the gym and get some cardio in since the gym would be closed on Sunday. I told Robert I'd do half an hour, but I started with 40 minutes and the leg and psyche both felt good so I added another 20 minutes. Then I thought heck, why not add another hour and get two in to somehow simulate a middle distance run. I got the two hours in at level 12 - a moderate level of effort and enjoyed it tremendously! That's something I will do again and it broke me out of this idea that 30 or 40 minutes is somehow the max for the stationary bike.

My leg is sore, but I have turned a corner and don't believe I need to be off of it anymore. I haven't been anyway. I think those few days when it was really bad I had little choice. No way I could have made it all over campus without some help. Now, not so much. Back to PT first thing Monday morning and I'm hoping he'll be happy enough with where things are to suggest some small runs........